Kids don't Divorce

The Statistics
In the UK, one in four children lives in split families.  The implications of divorce on kids are well documented.  You and your partner have been like two book ends supporting your children in the middle.  Now you are parting its vital that you keep your kids from ‘falling down’ in all the guises that brings.  
Telling your children you are divorcing creates uncertainty where there was once stability.  Unless you want to imprint an indelible memory of the worst time of their lives on your children’s minds, how you handle telling them and how you behave towards your ex during and after separation will most certainly impact the way your children think, feel and act ongoingly. 

If both parents are attentive to their kids needs and can maintain civility and resist drawing their children into their own upsets and bitterness, it’s possible to raise well-balanced children who grow into loving compassionate adults. Do it the other way and you’ll get what ever you get!  

Telling the Kids
Children aged 2 ½-8 years
Timing is vital.  This is not something to announce in anger, so they know ‘exactly what kind of a mother or father they have’. If possible both of you should tell your children together in the same room. Do it during the day, when you can go on to do an activity all together afterwards.    (Remember this is not about you!). Be prepared afterwards for any questions that may arise.

Imagine its Saturday morning.  After breakfast ask the children to come into the sitting room because daddy and mummy want to speak to them.  Sit next to your partner with whilst marinating eye contact with your kids. Keep it simple.  Divorce is an adult business. Children are looking for reassurance that life as they know it will not fall apart.  Who betrayed who with whom, is too much information.
Say something like:
“Mummy and Daddy have decided that we are not going to be married anymore and we are just going to be friends instead. Pause and wait. Children will be trying to work out what this means to them.

Now say: This means that Daddy is going to live in another house and you will stay here with mummy and you’ll see daddy very often. We both love you very very much and this has nothing to do with you. It’s not your fault, it’s between mummy and daddy and it’s a grown up thing”.  

It’s impossible to tell what they’ve understood at this point. So don’t assume. One mother told me that after telling the children her son aged 4 burst into tears.  Both parents thought it was because the news was such a shock.  They let him cry for a bit and cuddled him. Mum went back into the ‘we love you very much’ part when their son said, ‘yes I know that, but what I want to know is who is going to get the fridge magnets?’   
 Another question may be “Are you getting divorced”?
Children from 5 may know friends from split families. But you need to discover what divorce means to your child so you can offer reassurance.  This takes a very special kind of listening.
Say:  Yes, we will one day, but I’m wondering what you think getting divorced means?

Your child may say something like; “daddy goes away and doesn’t come back.

Reflect back so your child feels acknowledged and heard and say: So you think daddy may go away and not come back?
He says “Yes”
Dad says “Well, daddy will go and live somewhere else, but he will see you every weekend (or whatever your arrangements are) and you can speak to him every day on the telephone.  Dad says “I love you very much and I will always be there for you.  I am not going to leave you. Is there anything else that is bothering you”?

Be prepared to answer more concerns and go through the process again.


Listen to your Children
When a child of any age is listened to and acknowledged they feel safe enough to ask questions. If you fob them off with anything other than the simple truth, they will eventually close down because they won’t trust that you understand what’s going on for them.  Young children find it difficult to articulate their new feelings. That’s not surprising because they have never had them before. You’ll need patience and compassion and then even more patience.
Children aged aged 9-12
This age group are far more aware.  They may have an idea of why you are breaking up.  They may be embarrassed and not want to talk about it. They may have been impacted by your behaviour towards their other parent in the previous months or years. But they are still young and still powerless to do anything about it.  
Say something like “Mum and I are just not making each other happy anymore and we don’t want to continue to do this to ourselves.  So we have decided its time to stop hurting each other and move on with our lives apart.   This is nothing to do with you.  It’s not about you and you couldn’t have done anything to stop it happening. We want you to know that both of us will never stop loving and supporting you and we are always here for you when you need us”.
Some children in this group will change their behaviour at school by paying less attention, underachieving and developing ailments such as headaches or stomach aches.  Their bodies are swallowing up their pain.  It’s vital to get children of this age to talk.  Take your cues and clues from them.
 Every behaviour your child exhibits will be based on the question ‘who am I now that my mum and dad are not together?  I thought I was part of a complete family and now I’m not’.   ‘Who am I’? The ultimate question we all have regarding our identities are being asked by a child.

Ages 12 and above
The same explanation above applies, but there will still be identity issues for many teenage kids.
Parenting Effectively
All kids need care and attention after parents divorce. Inform the school of your new living arrangements. Find out if there is a school counsellor and get her to have an informal chat with your child.  Watch their behaviour carefully and listen as if you had three ears.  Almost everyone who has been in this situation will have a story to tell. Listen to them all and learn from others who have been through this.   

Parenting Apart
After parents part the myth of a united front is exploded. Each parent will parent their own way and there is little point in worrying that Dad feeds them takeaways and sweets when mum is a stickler for nutrition. Make it easy on yourself. You do it your way and let your ex do their way.   Unless there is a suspicion of neglect, abuse or safety issues, don’t make it any harder than it already is for you and the kids.

Work out a parenting plan together that works logistically and geographically.  If you ex is moving far away, work out holiday contact times well in advance and wherever possible be flexible.  Share Christmas and Birthdays every other year and remember that kids need both parents.  Parents are our first role model of males and females. Absent Dads create boys without boundaries and girls who lose out on male love. Absent mums create boys who don’t know how to nurture and girls that miss out on female bonding.   Remember this is not about you.

Decide how to inform the other of parent evenings, school plays, health issues, etc. Bite your tongue and be civil to your ex to make transitions from one parent to another painless so your children will feel like packages being passed between you.  Its hard enough being ‘suitcase kids’. Expect heightened emotions from your kids when they come home from Dad’s or for Dad when he picks them up from mum if that’s your arrangement.  Give them space and time and don’t make a big deal of it.  It may feel right to acknowledge how hard it is to go from one home to another, but on the whole, if you and your ex manage the process well, kids will adapt into a routine.



Above all, maintain your dignity, behave amicably and emerge positively from you divorce.

Francine Kaye
The Divorce Doctor
Divorce and Relationship Coach
www.thedivorcedoctor.co.uk

The Divorce Doctor published by Hay House May 2009