Children & Pet Bereavement

Issue 11
When a pet dies, it may be a child’s first experience of the death of something close to them. They may feel they have lost their best friend, an important member of their family and they may feel very sad and lonely. The way in which children and those around them deal with pet loss may lay the foundation for how they cope with losses later in their life.

The Pet Bereavement Support Service (PBSS), which is run by The Blue Cross and the Society for Companion Animal Studies, offer the following useful tips for supporting children when a pet dies. Your Childs Reaction

It is important not to make assumptions about how a child might react to the loss of their pet. Some children are quite casual and not deeply involved with their pets and once they have died, they may be secretly relieved that they don’t have to care for them anymore.

Most children though, are very fond of their pets and their pets will have been very important and special in their lives. The death of a pet may be particularly painful if the pet was very special, such as their first pet, or if there have been other losses in the child’s life such as the death of a grandparent or the loss of friends by moving or changing schools. For these children, the death of their pet may be marked by a period of grief.

When supporting a child, consider other possible losses that the child may be experiencing which may be influencing their grief. Children who have lost a loved human may have found difficulty in accepting the reality of that loss and therefore were unable to grieve. A pet’s death may be more tangible, and grieving for a pet may help a child to open up and mourn for the lost human. The age of the child and their concept of death may also influence how they react to the death of a pet. Children of up to two years of age have little concept of death, but they may miss the presence of a family pet and will be aware of tensions in the family if others are grieving. Two to four year olds have difficulty grasping that the death is permanent and may commonly ask questions such as "Where is Rex going? …Will he be coming back?…Why isn’t he moving?". Five to ten year olds may ask questions such as "Why don’t the eyes close? …What happens to him when he goes in the ground? …Does Euthanasia hurt? …Will my other pets be lonely?".

Some useful tips when supporting your child:

Make sure the child doesn’t hear about the pet’s death from someone they don’t know.

• Always be honest about the death – Don’t pretend the pet has gone missing if in fact it had died, the child may worry about the pets disappearance. Don’t say the pet has run away as the child will be very confused as to why his pet has run away from him, and your child may have feelings such as; "Why would he run away from me? …He was my best friend, how could he leave me?"

• Include the child when discussing options or making decisions about the pet (see rituals and rites of passage).

• Do not underestimate their feelings. Encourage the child to talk about their pet and express their emotions; writing a story or poem about their pet or drawing a picture of their pet can be helpful to them.

• Try to understand the importance of the animal and what the child has lost; don’t trivialise or minimise their grief. If you lost a favourite pet as a child, think back to your feelings of sadness to help you to understand just what your child has lost.

• Use language that the child will understand – straightforward words such as ‘dead’ or ‘died’ are more appropriate than ‘put to sleep’, which may cause some confusion and anxiety for younger children who don’t fully understand the concept of death. They may associate it with going to sleep at night-time. Be prepared to talk about how the animal died, but don’t include distressing details.

• Inform their teacher if the child is very upset, but do so discreetly.

• Don’t be too afraid to share your own feelings of sadness.

• If children are having other difficulties in their lives, a pet’s death may be the last straw and particular care must be taken to understand their problem; professional help may be needed.Rituals And Rites Of Passage

Rituals and rites of passage are becoming increasingly recognised as helpful and comforting, particularly with children. They give children the opportunity to say a last goodbye and see their pet was well respected and well cared for. Children are very keen to be involved in these ceremonies, but they should not be forced to take part if they do not want to.Burial

Children can choose the spot, do some digging or put flowers on the garden. They may want to invite good friends and family to a special ceremony. They could make a gravestone and paint the pets name on it or write a little message, and then they can select bulbs, plants or even trees for planting around the grave.Cremation

Your child may want to keep their pets ashes in a special casket or bury them in a special place, or ashes can be scattered on a favourite walk or a favourite place in the garden.Memorials

Children can be encouraged to remember their animals and celebrate their lives by doing things such as; writing poems or letters to the animal, Painting pictures, making models, or making a scrapbook with photographs.Getting Another Pet

Getting another animal may help a child to complete the process of grieving, but the timing is important. Getting another pet immediately won’t take away the child’s pain; in fact, it may make things worse as the child may think that their feelings are unimportant and they may not bond with the new animal. On the other hand, a child may request another pet in a very short time, and this should not be dismissed, as it may be appropriate for that particular child. It is important, however, to talk it through with the child, making sure that the new animal is not seen as a ‘replacement’ pet. If possible, the child should help choose the new animal themselves.

The Pet Bereavement Support Service (PBSS) offers help and support to children and adults. The PBSS offer this support through its telephone helpline and email support service. The helpline is open 7 days a week 8:30am – 8:30pm with an answer phone outside these hours. To make contact, call the freephone number 0800 096 6606. A co-ordinator will give you the contact details of the nearest telephone befriender, calls are charged at local rates wherever possible. The email service provides support for adults and children who prefer to write about how they are feeling. A trained Email befriender will answer emails sensitively. Email: pbssmail@bluecross.org.uk

All contact with The Pet Bereavement Support Service is treated confidentially.

PBSS is a member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and the Telephone Helplines Society. A leaflet ‘Children and Pet Bereavement’ is available which includes some of the information given in this article and more.