The Trials and Tribulations of a Foster Carer
What happens to children when their parents simply cannot provide adequate care for them any longer? Up to 61,000 children in England were in the care of local authorities in 2006, with the majority put into foster families. Sian Barton discovers what being a foster carer really entails.
Young parents *Lia and Simon Lewis tell Flying Start about their experience of becoming the foster carers of 15-year-old girl Mary, while already being parents to Jack aged ten years and three-year-old Marina.
Lia explains: “We decided we wanted to be a foster family as we have both come from rather dysfunctional backgrounds and know the value of having a secure family to ensure you grow up feeling valued and confident. We enjoy being a family and wanted to share that experience with children who may not have had such a positive one. We also felt it would benefit our own children helping them to be more compassionate and not taking for granted what they have.
“We spoke to Jack right from the start and he was involved in every step. He thought it was a good idea but I don’t think he really knew the implications. He liked the idea of having someone else to play with.
“The process was a long one, after the initial application we had to attend a six-week course. Throughout the course we were aware that everything we said and did was being monitored, some people were not allowed to continue the process, luckily we were. After more forms there was a huge assessment period with a social worker. This meant regular meetings lasting two or three hours where they dived into every aspect of our psyche. They took references from four people who know us well and work references as well as doing a criminal record check. Every aspect of our life was uncovered.
“Each session was a real roller coaster. Some were very emotional, re-opening old wounds and dealing with things from our pasts that we thought were buried. We believe the process has really brought us together and enabled us to be better parents.
“Finally after all the sessions the social worker had to write up her findings in an official document. Then it is presented to a panel of 16 people. We had to attend the panel and again we got a grilling. They picked out any concerns they had and we had to prove ourselves worthy. Our social worker told us the panel was only a formality, Simon made them laugh and I talked them into submission. As the process had already taken over ten months we would have been devastated if they had not approved us! We were told we could become foster carers in November 2005. We were approved as permanent foster carers for one child aged between eight and 18 years of age. We felt long-term was best for our family. Straight after the final meeting we were given Mary’s details.
“We took the information home and looked at it closely, our initial gut reaction was to say no, but that felt really selfish. Everything inside was screaming “this child needs a family!” But we had to be objective and made a list of pros and cons. We were worried about Mary’s age, she was 14, we had a clear picture of permanency. How would we cope with a teenager? All indications were that she would leave us at 16. We were worried about the children attaching and then her moving on.
Mary’s file showed that she came into the care system when she was seven. Her Mum had died and the family could not decide who would care for her. She had sporadic contact with her father and lived with him for a year after her mum had died. Her brother Joe, who is much older, found this difficult as Mary’s father had been violent towards their mother. Joe practically raised her.
“We talked to the social worker and eventually said no. However the paperwork was left in our hands (a good ploy!) and we kept going back to the file and decided to give it a go.
“Once we had made our decision, the social worker has to do a matching report and it has to go back to a panel, just like adoption. We met Mary in March and she moved in with us shortly afterwards. We met with her current foster carers a few times before we met Mary. We also gave her a book we had made all about our family and a short video. She also made a video for us to see. Then she was allowed to ring us and invite us for dinner. The meal went really well and the next day she visited our house. In the weeks that followed Mary came round for dinner and also spent the night with us. A week after staying with us Mary decided that she would like to move in.
“I think we all felt nervous and excited at the same time. It’s strange having someone new in the house, obviously our objective was to make sure Mary felt comfortable so we probably went over-the-top a bit. Marina didn’t really take much notice but Jack was understandably apprehensive and a little jealous at times. He tried really hard to make Mary welcome but during the first month there were teething problems. Jack sometimes got upset when Mary demanded our attention. We constantly reassure Jack of our feelings for him and I think he is settled now.
“Mary is not an easy person and does demand a huge amount of attention, however we have learned that she doesn’t need it constantly to feel valued and cared for.
“We hope Mary is happy with us. We want to give her the best care we can offer, for as long as she needs it.”
Further information:
www.fostering.org.uk - Fostering Information Line
www.baaf.org.uk - British Association for adoption and fostering
www.direct.gov.uk/Parents/AdoptionAndFostering - Government advice and information
www.thefostering.net - The Fostering Network Notes *Names have been changed for privacy Figures from British Association for adoption and fostering
