Dads: First Timers
Becoming a father for the first time is a daunting experience. Your partner has hormones flying round all over the place and suddenly there is a tiny person in your life demanding to be looked after. Sian Barton looks at some advice to give all new dads out there a smoother ride
1. Start as you mean to go on
It is a really good idea to go to antenatal classes with your partner. It will give you an opportunity to learn about the pregnancy and birth and your partner will thank you for the support. Learning how to do practical things like change a nappy and heat milk to the correct temperature before your little bundle of joy arrives are a massive help too.
2. Be there at the birth
Greeting your baby as they come into the world is a wonderful way to bond with them. Why not give your newborn cuddle without your shirt on. Skin-to-skin contact is an excellent method of getting to know your baby and letting them get to know you.
3. Spend as much time as possible with your child
The best way to get to know your baby and their emerging personality is to be with them. Remember newborns aren’t newborn for long. Speak to your employer about paternity leave before your baby is born. You can find how much you are entitled to take and how much you should get paid at http://www.direct.gov.uk/
4. Don’t feel left out
It might seem like all the attention is focused on mum, after all she has just given birth and is probably breast feeding but this doesn’t mean you don’t have an important role. Looking after pets, picking up the phone when your partner is asleep and just getting things done around the house are all part of being a parenting team and your contributions are no less important!
5. Don’t expect your relationship with your partner to be the same
Okay, so sex may be off the agenda for a while. The physical realities of birth will certainly stop you getting back into the saddle for a few weeks and in addition to this you’ll have a baby to look after. Don’t worry if neither of you wants to have sex for a while, it is quite normal but don’t forget that a hug counts for a lot.
6. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes
Parenting is hard full stop. As a first time Dad you can’t be expected to know how to do everything. Please don’t worry about being the ‘perfect’ father. There IS no perfect father! Babies are resilient creatures and when your child grows up they will probably think you are the best dad in the world!
Useful websites:
- http://www.dadcafe.co.uk/
- http://www.fathersdirect.com/
- http://www.raisingkids.co.uk/
Books:
- Dadlands: The Alternative Handbook for New Fathers (Paperback) by Daniel Blythe
- The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-to-be by Armin Brott and Jennifer Ash
- Baby Tips for Dads by Simon Brett
Barry Jones from Milton Keynes is the father of Jacob, aged 18 months, and married to Vanessa. He tells us about his experiences as a first-time-dad. "I really enjoy being around children and felt that I always wanted to be a dad. Vanessa and I had been planning a baby but when she told me she was pregnant I felt quite strange. I was happy and excited but also apprehensive. It's a big, life-changing responsibility. The pregnancy was a very surreal time. I was concerned about our child being healthy but towards the end I became more excited. Nine months was a very long time to wait!
Despite that I still felt shocked when Vanessa went into labour. Vanessa just took it at her own pace, she didn't want any fuss and just wanted to get on with it. I had been given advice about helping her through the birth but it wasn't really necessary.
When Jacob finally arrived I was worried because the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck but once I realised everything was OK I felt a sense of pride and happiness. I cried when I realised he was a boy and felt elated to have created such a wonderful baby. Putting him in his car seat and taking him home for the first time was a great feeling.
But it was all new to me, working out how to deal with a new baby. You don't get lessons in caring for a child and I'd never been around babies before. The first weeks were tiring and emotional. We faced a lot of challenges, getting him to sleep through the night was a huge obstacle. The best thing we did was set him into a routine at an early age. We gave him lots of exercise and stimulation during the day to make him sleep better at night.
A new baby can also be hard on a relationship. You get very tired easily in the first few months and my wife was trying to come to term with breastfeeding so I had to be a moral support to her. We had to make sure we took the time to understand each other more. You don’t have as much time just to sit back and relax so it is important that you understand this and adapt your life to suit.
It took two weeks paternity leave to support Vanessa. I think it's mainly for the partner rather than the baby, to help and assist her in becoming a mum. I personally don't feel I should have had any longer though. Two weeks worked well for us as a family and helped us to settle.
Of course we made mistakes all the time. We just had to accept that we were
going to go wrong sometimes learn from our mistakes and move forward.
It also helped us to make time for ourselves as a couple. I think it was very important I felt it made our relationship stronger. We needed to feel that we were more than just “parents”. We are lucky though as for us it’s very easy to go out as we have a very supportive family.
We also tried to be patient and listen to each other and made sure we took in turns to do the night shifts at the early stage. We make sure we are always on the same wavelength, even in terms of telling Jacob off, so we don’t end up disagreeing in front of our son. Give and take is hugely important!
Yes, having a child is hard work. It’s tiring but extremely rewarding and an experience I would definitely like to repeat.”
Barry’s top tips!
1) Routine! Set a routine from an early age.
2) Don’t worry about everything babies and children are very resilient little things.
3) Go by your won instinct on caring for them sometimes advise can be ill advised.
4) Make sure you spend time with your child interacting, they love a good old rough and tumble it makes them more responsive to you.
5) Be supportive to your wife, they are going through a lot too adjusting to being a mum for the first time.
