Lets Talk about Sex
It’s the moment every parent dreads. The question, “How are babies made?” sends most well-planned bonding talks out of the window and makes every stork story seem plausible to you, never mind a trusting wide eyed five-year-old. Ellen Beardmore discusses if there is ever a right time to talk to children about sex
Research shows many parents admit to feeling nervous or embarrassed about explaining “the birds and the bees” - and fear facing the barrage of following questions – regardless of whether their child is 16 or four. And, of course, there is always the chance they’ll learn the wrong information anyway, on television, in magazines or even from the playground.
So is there a right age to discuss sex with your child, and how young is too young? Gill Frances is director of children’s development at the National Children’s Bureau and chair of the Teenage Pregnancy Independent Advisory group. She says: “In the very early years of childhood you can talk about relationships and how people respond to each other, then as youngsters grow older, and begin to ask questions that information is a context for it to sit in - it’s not necessarily teaching five-year-olds about sex.
“Some parents need help or encouragement, they can often be shy. We need to support them so they can develop their confidence as research shows young people want a parent - not a teacher or health professional - to be the first person to give them information about sex and relationships.”
And although people can assume sex and relationship education (SRE) is the responsibility of schools, only biological elements of the subject are part of the National Curriculum. Issues such as puberty, sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and reproduction are mandatory but others, like relationships, homosexuality and contraception, are not. Teachers, who could be uncomfortable with the topic themselves, present information differently depending on each school’s individual policy - independent, and faith schools may also have separate standards.
Gill added: “What is also important is that SRE in schools works alongside what is going on in the community. If there is a high teenage pregnancy or sexually transmitted infection rates in an area, this can be addressed at relevant schools to help.
“It seems another generation has grown up confused about sex because they weren’t given the right knowledge and now we need to act to stop it happening again.
“Today’s young people should have all the information they require, so that when they do have sexual feelings they can be safe and act responsibly.”
Ralph Jaggar, headteacher at Ackton Pastures Primary School in Castleford, West Yorkshire, agrees. The school hit national headlines when pupils as young as seven took part in the Channel 4 documentary Lets Talk Sex, hosted by Davina McCall, in March.
The controversial show addressed the state of SRE in British schools and focused on spiralling pregnancy and STI levels among youngsters.
He said: “It is a difficult subject as there is no compulsory National Curriculum as a guideline. We got involved with Channel 4 because we wanted to have a programme of SRE aimed at primary level that would support parents as well as children. With us, it’s more specifically about relationships and puberty, not about teaching children how to have sex.
“We talk about respecting everybody and forming relationships, but we teach about puberty because the age of seven is just before most children begin this part of their physical development.
“At the moment we tend to do that when half the kids have already gone through puberty at 11 but want to much earlier so they are prepared in good time for the physical and emotional changes they will go through. It’s also so that they get accurate information to make informed choices from.
“Then when they are 11 they will hopefully be prepared to take the next step and be introduced to contraception and STI education - as well as discussing relationships
People assume it’s a school’s job to teach children about sex and relationships, but it’s not. Parents have that role but our responsibility is to be there to fully support them in meeting it.
“We are still working closely with our school nurse on developing SRE and it’s very much a long term project.”
But what do youngsters themselves think of SRE? James Hall, 13, has just started lessons on the topic in biology classes at his Cornwall school. He said: “I think it is important, and should begin when you first start at secondary school at the latest. Some people in my class are embarrassed and mess about in lessons but I’m not. Parents shouldn’t lie to their children though, even when they’re younger.
“Just tell us the answers to our questions. “
So it seems parents should start talking - children will learn about sex from a very young age and how they learn has a powerful impact on their attitudes later. And despite startling figures in the press, children are more clued up and ready to talk sex sensibly than ever before – if SRE improves then things can only get better.
Gill Frances added: “Parents should also remember that three quarters of young people don’t have sex before they are 16 and those who do usually use contraception.“
Information
It can still be difficult to broach the subject with your child and it’s best to be prepared. There are many resources available to help you find the words.
Useful tips are available online from Parentline Plus at www.parentlineplus.org.
Let’s Talk Sex, by Anita Naik with Davina McCall, follows on from the Channel 4 show and is available from Amazon.com as well as bookshops at about £12.99.
GPs, local health clinics and family planning clinics often provide support, leaflets and even drop-in sessions for both parents and children. Your local library may carry books and other resources on the subject.
A supportive fact sheet can also be downloaded from the National Children’s Bureau at
www.ncb.org.uk.
Finally, all schools have an SRE policy and you can always ask them to supply you with a copy – schools need to ensure their sex education complements your role as a parent.
